Thank you, steal again. Look out, Itchy! He’s Irish! Old people don’t need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use. Thank you, steal again.

Last Exit to Springfield

Uh, no, they’re saying “Boo-urns, Boo-urns.” Books are useless! I only ever read one book, “To Kill A Mockingbird,” and it gave me absolutely no insight on how to kill mockingbirds! Sure it taught me not to judge a man by the color of his skin…but what good does *that* do me? I didn’t think it was physically possible, but this both sucks *and* blows. Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that’s even remotely true! When will I learn? The answers to life’s problems aren’t at the bottom of a bottle, they’re on TV!

Selma’s Choice

Here’s to alcohol, the cause of — and solution to — all life’s problems. Oh, loneliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix. Dear Mr. President, There are too many states nowadays. Please, eliminate three. P.S. I am not a crackpot.